Relationship woes

Well here we go another long break between posts. I want to apologize to my readers.

As the title reads I have been having some relationship troubles.  My wife and I still love each other that has never been a question in my mind. The problem is the further I go in transition the the more I question my sexuality.  I have always thought and know once I am done fully transitioning then I would like to experience a man like a woman would.  My wife wail knowing this is having a hard time sharing me. Now I'm not saying I need or want a full relationship, but I don't want to sleep with a stranger either. She has allowed me to experience that.

Now I know there is a difference between gender and sexuality and I'm not going to get into the difference here. But I don't know that I will ever feel complete until I sleep with a man.

Well for now we are still together and still working on repairing our marriage. 

Until next time
Sheala

Meds, meds, and more meds

You guessed it we are going to talk about my experience with HRT.  No I will not talk dosages, I do not suggest self medication. I do not want some one to get the dosage off my blog and harm them self. Instead I will talk what I take and the affects that I have had. May also post a pre and current pic.

When I started I was on Spirolacrone and estradiol, that combination has proven for many trans women to be effective and it was for me. Spiro binds with testosterone making it unusable by the body. The down side you still make testosterone. When I took my first dose, and I don't know if it was a placebo effect or it was the meds but I had an instant relief I felt a weight had been lifted. And it just forgot better.  Through time and appointments my estradiol dose got raised to the level it is now. And I am very happy with it.

The big change from the beginning besides the raise in estradiol dose, is I switched from Spiro to Eligard.  It is a LH inhibitor, that means I don't produce any LH. LH is the hormone that tells the body to produce the sex hormones.  It is used for cancer patients with a cancer that grows in the presence of these hormones.  It is more expensive and km glad I have the VA to help with my transition.  It has proven to be even more effective. 

Now when I say effective I mean mainly in the emotional stand point.  There have been some effects else where, my skin is softer, the body hair is thinner not as dark or course. And a lot of redistribution of fat. I was never really fat but the little I had moved to the appropriate areas.

Well I guess that's it for now I will add more as it comes to me TTYL
Sheala

Where has the time gone

Hello again. Well I guess it has been a long time since I posted anything. And I can tell you a lot has happened. Let me fill you in a little and I will continue with my weekly posts.

To start let's look at my legal stance. I completed a legal name change September 2014, I had the assistance from an attorney through the TLDEF. If it wasn't for them I would probably still be working it out.  I went and got letter from my dr and got the gender marker on my state id changed. Lucky in PA that's all it takes. Well that about sums that up I am still changing my name at places I'm finding that to be a long drawn out process.

So on to the family.  Me and Mel got married March 15th, 2014. It was right before PA allowed same sex marriage,  so I got married as a male since I was changing and we didn't know when or if PA would ever allow same sex marriages. It's kind of funny looking back and comparing out thoughts to what happened.  Then there is Kat, we'll she has come along way she went from anger and hatred to being ok, then back and forth. She even stated she was going to take the kids from me, I'm glad she didn't attempt and that she has became supportive of my decision.  We had the family go through some family counseling and it helped her realize that the kids where not affected by me decision.  That leads me to the kids, they have embraced the whole thing, the call me moddy (half mommy/half Daddy) the older ones call me dad to their friends and in a way it hurts but I also understand that that is how there friends know me and it is not my place to tell educate them on being transgender.

Well I will leave it here and come back for more on my medical situation.  That is going to be a long post.

Talk To You Soon
Sheala

HRT

For thouse who may not know what HRT is it means hormone replacement therapy. The indevidual that beguns HRT well I know as MtF, I will take a testosterone blocker, the most comon is spiro, and and estrogen. There are 4 ways to take the estrogen, with pros and cons to each. Now I juggeled with this desision, what way to take them for a while. And it took talking to my gyne for me to make my disicion. I will make a list here of what I was lookinng at then tell you the disision and why at the end...... disclamer: I feel I need to add this, this is strictly my views based on information that I hade aquired from others. In no way is this based on scientific proof, well not that I know of at least.

Method 1, oral:
Dosage: veries taken dayly
Pro: lowest flucuation in hormone levels, better controle of hormone levels over the long term.
Con: procesed through the liver, hard on liver, increased production of clotting factors resulting in increased chance of DVT.

Method 2, sublingual:
Dosage: veries taken dayly
Pro: little fluctuation in hormone levels. Little controle over hormone levels. Not procesed through the liver.
Con: relys on obsorption under tounge.

Method 3, patch
Dosage: veries applied 3-5 days
Pro: not processed through the liver,
Con: larger dose, larger fluctuation in hormone levels,

Method 4, injection
Dosage: veries taked 1-2 weeks
Pro: not procesed through the liver
Con: greated fluctuation in hormone levels.

Well after talking to my gyne. I found out she really doesn't like proscribing injection because of the fluctuation. And with the advanced in medications the estrogen is much safer then I was originaly led to believe. So I am now on oral estrodial and spiro have been for almost 3 weeks, in latter posts I will fill you in on the last 3 weeks.

Family

Well first let me explain there are 2 familys in everyones life. The ones we where born into, and the ones we choose. And what I mean by choose, they are either our S.O's or our close friends. Well here it will be both starting with the born into.

Well I was born the oldest of 3 well..... to my mom any way. Dad had a son befor me but didn't actualy know him untill I was 14.  I have 2 younger sisters angie and jamie. Well about a month after the "light buld" and a few appointments focusing on my trans status I was talking to Angie and the topic of who in the family is LGBT friendly came up.... found out her and an aunt where really the only ones...ok you ask why don't I know this. Well since 2000 I spend vacation at home and the is about 2 weeks every other year. The rest I am across the country. well I end up comming out to angie then and she ofn course was real supportive and helped me with finding out how to tell the rest.  Well I drafted an email for my parents..... worst mistake I made. I didn't wait for angies responce and sent the email. Talked to my parents on the phone a few days latter and they did not like any part of it. Heck even to this day my mom wants "DNA proof" if there was such a thing. Oh and jamie found out the same day :) well jamie took it better the the parents thank god. My mom didn't want me to tell any one else so for now I have told no one else. Well not in the family.

Now for the choosen family.... that's even easer. There is my S.O Mel, my best friend/sister Kendra. They knew first. And have walked every step with me.

Dysporia attacks

Well as the title says this post I will take a little side not in my story and talk a little about how dysphoria shaped and effected me.

Well for the longest time, up untill I reached the "this is me" stage I never recognized my dysphoria as what it was. I had minor depression, a few suicidal thoughs, anxiety, and some slight anger issues. And only the anger got me to seak help. Once I realized that I was transgendred, that's when I realized what the cause of thouse feelings where. The issue once that happened was the feelings got worse.

I started thinking I will never pass, what's the point in continueing. I'm not living right/loveing right/ and never will. I spiraled up and down, and a roller coaster ride I wouldn't put my worst enemy on. My suicidal thoughts became a dayly if not twice a day thing. And I learned and still know why it is so many transgender suicides. I am very glad I have such a great sopport system. From Mel to my best frind and now coworkers I have found sopport in some of the most unlikly areas. But with out them there is a good chance I would not be here today.

The only reason I am here is my sopport system. It was bad from time to time. But all I had to do is turn to one or another and start talking. And they where there for me. So to them all of them in my life that have helped and sopported me I owe you my life. Thank you.

Apys, apts every where

Well let's see, its not late aug in my story. I have made the disicion to have all my care through the VA. I have a good relationship with all my DRs so it was really kinda easy to make. I see my therapist on a weekly bases. And we have switch from anxiety to GID focused care. I end up having to see another psyc for the letter to start HRT but she required me to take a mental health assassment. Good thing from the time that started it only took me a week to see the psyc and get the letter.

Waile that was going on I was also working on getting into speach therapy. Yes I did mention "EVERYTHING" right lol. Ended up seeing ENT just to ensure everything was medicly sound to continue speach therapy.

Well a week after the psyc appointment I receved a letter from the VA womens health center. Well I give them a call, really confused as to why. But I set up an appointment with a gyn. When I did I had 2 choices.... either the next day or a month out. Well thinking to my self, I really don't know why and having a PCP appointment the next tuei decided to wait.... I find out at my PCP that the gyne is who will be prescribing the hormones..... well instead of calling dayly looking for a cancilation I just wait out my time.