Family

Well first let me explain there are 2 familys in everyones life. The ones we where born into, and the ones we choose. And what I mean by choose, they are either our S.O's or our close friends. Well here it will be both starting with the born into.

Well I was born the oldest of 3 well..... to my mom any way. Dad had a son befor me but didn't actualy know him untill I was 14.  I have 2 younger sisters angie and jamie. Well about a month after the "light buld" and a few appointments focusing on my trans status I was talking to Angie and the topic of who in the family is LGBT friendly came up.... found out her and an aunt where really the only ones...ok you ask why don't I know this. Well since 2000 I spend vacation at home and the is about 2 weeks every other year. The rest I am across the country. well I end up comming out to angie then and she ofn course was real supportive and helped me with finding out how to tell the rest.  Well I drafted an email for my parents..... worst mistake I made. I didn't wait for angies responce and sent the email. Talked to my parents on the phone a few days latter and they did not like any part of it. Heck even to this day my mom wants "DNA proof" if there was such a thing. Oh and jamie found out the same day :) well jamie took it better the the parents thank god. My mom didn't want me to tell any one else so for now I have told no one else. Well not in the family.

Now for the choosen family.... that's even easer. There is my S.O Mel, my best friend/sister Kendra. They knew first. And have walked every step with me.

Dysporia attacks

Well as the title says this post I will take a little side not in my story and talk a little about how dysphoria shaped and effected me.

Well for the longest time, up untill I reached the "this is me" stage I never recognized my dysphoria as what it was. I had minor depression, a few suicidal thoughs, anxiety, and some slight anger issues. And only the anger got me to seak help. Once I realized that I was transgendred, that's when I realized what the cause of thouse feelings where. The issue once that happened was the feelings got worse.

I started thinking I will never pass, what's the point in continueing. I'm not living right/loveing right/ and never will. I spiraled up and down, and a roller coaster ride I wouldn't put my worst enemy on. My suicidal thoughts became a dayly if not twice a day thing. And I learned and still know why it is so many transgender suicides. I am very glad I have such a great sopport system. From Mel to my best frind and now coworkers I have found sopport in some of the most unlikly areas. But with out them there is a good chance I would not be here today.

The only reason I am here is my sopport system. It was bad from time to time. But all I had to do is turn to one or another and start talking. And they where there for me. So to them all of them in my life that have helped and sopported me I owe you my life. Thank you.

Apys, apts every where

Well let's see, its not late aug in my story. I have made the disicion to have all my care through the VA. I have a good relationship with all my DRs so it was really kinda easy to make. I see my therapist on a weekly bases. And we have switch from anxiety to GID focused care. I end up having to see another psyc for the letter to start HRT but she required me to take a mental health assassment. Good thing from the time that started it only took me a week to see the psyc and get the letter.

Waile that was going on I was also working on getting into speach therapy. Yes I did mention "EVERYTHING" right lol. Ended up seeing ENT just to ensure everything was medicly sound to continue speach therapy.

Well a week after the psyc appointment I receved a letter from the VA womens health center. Well I give them a call, really confused as to why. But I set up an appointment with a gyn. When I did I had 2 choices.... either the next day or a month out. Well thinking to my self, I really don't know why and having a PCP appointment the next tuei decided to wait.... I find out at my PCP that the gyne is who will be prescribing the hormones..... well instead of calling dayly looking for a cancilation I just wait out my time. 

Oh Dr, Dr give me the news

That's right. Well as I was saying, a few week after Mel came back I went to the VA for my first appointment with them and for some therapy for another issue. I know, I know I should have done that along time prior, but these are the facts. Along with therapy at the VA I persued therapy at the PERSAD center. Its a center in pittsburgh talored toward the LGBTQ community. I had my intake appointment on a thur, and was told the fallowing tue I would be getting a call from the therapist to schedual an appointment. Well 2 weeks after my intake I call them back and I question wehats going on. Apparently my therapist went on vacation and was comming back the next Monday. Well Monday comes and she calls, we schedual our appointment for Thursday. All good, it gets me in nice and fast..... well Thursday morning I receve a voice mail saying I have to reschedual because she called off sick.

Well poop.... ok now its been almost a month since I started trying to go through the PERSAD center. And I'm getting pissed. So during one of my VA appointments I bring this up..... and low and behold the VA trats transgenderd veterans... so I stop trying to go through the PERSAD center and stick only with the VA. And I stoped going to PERSAD mid augast.

Ok so this is me

Well when I reached the this is me. I ran to my my best friend/sister. I had to get some one elses ideas and help finding "me" well as any one who has been down this road can tell you, no one can find you for you. You have to your self, so after talking to my best friend I did lots of soul searching. Now to let every one know, I didn't go to Mel for two reasons. 1: I wanted to know for sure before I told her, 2: she was out of town and I wanted to tell her face to face.

Well a week or so after the light bulb.... yes I went there. Well the best friend went to get Mel from the bus station. And spilled half the beans..... when Mel got in the house she cornered me and tricked it out of me. Grrrrrrrrrr, she made me think the friend told it all. Well it needed to come out any way. Well after the shock, and tears, and mass emotionsal termoil. We where able to actualy talk and start figuring things out.

A month later I started therapy. Well sorta but that's for the next hehehe

well here we go....... i was told by a friend that i should start a blog about my experiance going through my transition. well to give you some back ground into who and or what i am. lol..

well i was born in january 1982, i know im starting a ling time ago but to get the full picture. anywho i was born as you guessed it a boy. big shocker right hehe. well for the most  part i had a normal child hood.... well that i can remember. there was a rather tromatic experiance that happened when i was 8 and i blocked a lot of my younger memories. but as i was saying.... around the age of 12 maybe younger, i started having a fantacy pretty consitantly of being taken from my family and made into a girl. now i lived in a cencervative family we had no friends in the LGBT comunity ever growing up. so i had no was to relate my fantacy as anything more then just that.

Well I turn 18 and join the US NAVY, now 2000 in the military you didn't talk about anything like this....well I had a child to one gal, got maried to a nother and had 2 with her. Still never really questioned the fantacy, it was always there and I always though of it but I never ask the all important "why" well we devorced after 7 a 7 year bad marrage. Meet another woman soon after I sepperated from my ex wife. For name sake I will call my ex Kat and my now fiancee Mel. Well Kat and Mel believe it or not get along, now they arnt best friends but they can tollerate each other. Well I got out of the NAVY in 2008, seperated from Kat in 2009 and meet Mel in 2010. Ok back ground done lol.

Ok june 2013 I meet a group of indeviduales that had a transwomen as a member. After speeking to her things began to click and I started asking why. It took me almost a month of asking why and reading other peoples experiances for me to say.... "wow this is me"